Do I or don’t I that is the question

So time has passed and still my mind meanders over to the question why and what.

Why was it that Jesicha, strong and determined, full of life; on a diet worthy of a healthy king, supplements that should cure the world of all disease, why did she not survive her cancer?

What was it that she took or was poured into her veins that determined, yes, set her fate?

Where do I look?  That box I set so carefully down in the attic where the darkness of the place would hold the secrets until my heart could take the look inside.  And when do I know it is time?

The time arrived, it was others that asked questions and wanted to know more about her, would that information locked in that box hold answers to help another? I did not know but could I take a chance, and I was urged from within, to probe further and if answers were there to help then I could not deny another a chance to stop them from suffering.  So I made that climb into the darkened corner of the attic; a neat square box unlabeled, but make no mistake I knew that box, I could feel the sadness flowing out of it as I approached it.

I handled it with care and placed in down. When I opened it reams of papers stared up at me; but it was time to read all the ugly words, all the words that described the cancer that engulfed Jesicha. And the minutes turned into hours. I was overwhelmed.

There in front of me was a list, simply put into simple words, what happened from one week to another, one month to another and the months ran into years; all of it and they could not save her.  There on the last few pages I found it all stopped, just stopped.  Nothing after December 2010. But she did not finish her conventional treatments until mid June of 2012, where are the papers, the reports, all the notations I had finished for all the three years before; and nothing here for six months?

I found in her diary notations on what was happening, she was worried those last six months, asking questions to doctors and getting vague answers.  She was a woman that like answers and never accepted a vague description of anything, this was weighing heavy on her.  A new addition to her chemo cocktail, what would it be? We can only guess, there is not documentation.  A short inquiry to the last doctors and I got vague replies.  She is gone, why wonder; we did everything we could; don’t worry about the past, concentrate on moving forward.  Are these answers? She asked about alternative cancer treatments, what about alternative medicine, but she it worried her they refused to talk about it.

So I know hidden within the missing paperwork there are answers.  What drugs did they mix, what effects did they have together and what did they know was happening?  Did they just throw any chemotherapy drug at her, knowing something they did not tell her; damage was done beyond what they could repair?  The treatment was killing her but they would not, could not tell her. Was this the hidden secret that is buried somewhere in reports no one is willing to compile and send? Chemotherapy side effects kill more people than the cancer itself

And then a message comes to me; her liver was damaged, toxins were building, but it was not her liver that finally failed and took her; it was her heart, weakened from the toxicity it could beat no longer. The message came on wings; and there I sat with not the power to even cry.

Now do I probe for answers or do I just let the secret of  the what [ chemo combination ]  go forever into the good night, in silence do I put the box back into the attic, closed and buried. Do I  accept her peace and help those I can with what I have, do they who suffer like she, hear her whisper,” I died to let you know, do not go into that good night alone silently;  charge forth with all you have, take charge of your body and let no one steal your life with poisons. I know the why and I know the what; don’t go there, find treatments that are alive, natural and will fill you with life. I found it but too late I drank from the cup of living.” 

I shall listen to her whispers and hope others will too. Do I or don’t I there is no question anymore.


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